They're Coming! How to Deal with the End of Year Disgruntled Parent

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By Dr. Barrett Mosbacker

I am blessed. Even though we serve nearly 2,000 students representing 1,200 families, I have few disgruntled or complaining parents. This is a reflection of God’s great blessings on the school and a tribute to our fine teachers, coaches, and administrators.

Nevertheless, at the end of every school year I inevitably hear from a few parents who wait until school is out to express “a concern they have had all year.” My first question to these parents is, “why haven’t you shared your concern with the teacher this year?” The almost universal and unfounded response…”I was afraid the teacher would take it out on my child.”

In all of my years in school administration, I am unaware of any teacher ever “taking it out” on a student because the parent expressed a concern. The opposite is more likely. To avoid conflict, teachers are more apt to be overly cautious when dealing with the student of a complaining parent.

Anticipating that you may have a few of these “end of year meetings,” here are a few tips that may help you achieve a positive outcome, one that deepens the parent’s commitment to the school, lessens your stress, and is honoring to the Lord.

Pray: Pray for wisdom and a teachable spirit. Even though the parent’s approach may be wrong, there still may be information that you need to hear.

Actively Listen: Our natural tendency is to be defensive of the school and the teacher. It is far wiser to follow the biblical command to “be quick to hear, slow to speak,” (James 1:19), which was paraphrased by Steven Covey who said, “seek first to understand and then to be understood.” Click here for quick tips on how to actively listen.

Take Notes: This will help you listen actively and shows genuine interest and concern. It also promotes accuracy and provides a written record of the meeting.

Maintain the High Moral Ground and Self Control: No matter how rude, inappropriate, angry, or offensive the speaker may be, the Christian professional, controlled by the Spirit, will not respond in kind. Instead, turn the other cheek. Take the abuse. Bless those who “curse you.” And remember, “a soft answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Prov. 15:1)

Give Assurance: Give assurance that you genuinely care (make sure you do!) and that you will prayerfully and carefully investigate the matter and will respond appropriately. Your assurance must be full of integrity. Do not say you will deal with the matter and then fail to do so.

Wait Before Indicating a Decision: Depending on the situation, it is tempting to being closure to the matter during the meeting. For example, if you prematurely conclude that the concern has no merit you may be tempted to dismiss the concern during the meeting. Or, if you believe the concern has merit, you will be tempted to explain how you will address the matter. Both responses are usually premature in this first meeting. It is far better to assure the parent that you will look into the concern, take time to investigate the facts, pray for wisdom, and then and only then decide on a course of action. Most of the time, there is more to the story than you are hearing. “The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.” (Prov. 18:17)

Reinforce the Matthew 18 Principle: I have found that even when parents are aware of the Matthew 18 principle, they almost always have an excuse for not following it. “I know but….” is a common response. Nevertheless, you need to inform the parent that in the future you will not meet with him or her until they have addressed the matter with the teacher. If the matter is not resolved at that level the parent must meet with the teacher’s immediate supervisor before coming to you. This needs to be said gently but clearly and then followed unless the matter is legal or immoral in nature.

Follow-up: It is very important that you do what you say and that you follow-up with the parent after you have reached a decision about your response. It is inconsiderate and unprofessional not to follow-up. This does not mean that you should disclose everything you have or will do. You must protect the privacy of students, parents, and staff but the parent who took the time to meet with you deserves to hear back from you.

By wisely, lovingly, and respectfully responding to concerns, you have the opportunity to turn a complaining parent into an appreciative one. In the long run, this is pleasing to the Lord and good for your school.

Google

I Just Returned from the Future

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By Dr. Barrett Mosbacker

I just returned from the future.

In one of the strangest experiences I have had in a while, I lived the future as I read about it! I did not realize it for a while but then it struck me suddenly over dinner—”I am what I’m reading!”

Let me explain.

As I write this I am nearing the end of my annual Think Week (you can read details about Think Week in these two articles: How to Reduce Stress While Getting More Done; and in How To Find Time to Focus, Think, and Work). During my Think Week my primary focus is prayer and reading. On this trip I took several books with me including Humility (Andrew Murray), The Culture Code (Clotaire Rapaille), Think: The Life of the Mind and the Love of God (John Piper), Derailed(Tim Irwin), Death by Meeting (Patrick Lencioni), and Generous Justice (Tim Keller).

I also took Anywhere: How Global Connectivity is Revolutionizing the Way We Do Business (Emily Nagle Green). This is the book I was reading when I realized that I was living the future. I will summarize some of the key points of this book and their implications for our schools in a subsequent post but for now let me simply state the theme of the book;

Within the next ten years the global ubiquitous digital network will connect most of the world’s people, places, information, and things, which will fundamentally alter the way we live, work, teach, and learn.

The author, Emily Green, knows what she is talking about. She is the President and CEO of the Yankee Group—one of the world’s premier research firms on the impact of the global connectivity revolution with operations in North America, Europe, the Middle East, Africa, Latin America and Asia-Pacific.

One of the most fascinating parts of the book is her description of five consumer segments: Analogs, Technophytes, Digital Shut-ins, Outlet Jockeys, and Actualized Anywheres (AA’s). As I was enjoying my dinner and reading it suddenly dawned on me just how much I was exhibiting the characteristics of the Actualized Anywheres. The short description of AA’s is that they “bring the concept of a ubiquitously connected consumer to life.” This is when it struck me—-I was literally living the future she was describing!

Here is how I know. I wrote down how I was handling my recreational and work related tasks during Think Week. Here is a short list.

• All of my books, newspapers, and magazines are on my iPad. I read, highlight, annotate, and share my reading content electronically.

• I downloaded a book immediately onto my iPad based on a recommendation from the book I was reading at the time.

• I held a video-call with my daughter and grand daughter using FaceTime on my iPhone.

• I sent an email through Facebook to some friends and family. I accepted a connection request with a professional colleague on LinkedIn.

• I used the Yelp application on my iPhone to find restaurants and read reviews before choosing a place to have dinner. I also wrote my own review on Yelp for the benefit of others.

• I used my Garmin GPS to guide me to the restaurant.

• While driving and while dinning, I used an iPhone application called SoundHound to identify and order songs to download. I liked the songs but could not remember the titles. SoundHound solved that problem.

• I used an application called NoteSelf on my iPad to take notes using a stylus, including notes for this blog article. No paper or pen needed.

• I used the Evernote application to send clippings from the books I was reading to my administrative assistant for her to type so that the information could be put into my Endnote program for future reference and citation.

• I used Logos Bible Software on my computer to study and write a devotional for my faculty.

• I used Adobe Acrobat to print the devotional as a PDF. I uploaded it to Box.net (cloud storage and collaboration) so it could be shared with our parents with a hyperlink in an email, and then I emailed it to all school staff using Outlook.

• I used LoseIt on my iPhone to track my calories and my running.

• One of the books I was reading referenced a 2004 NYT article on how Apple Outflanked Sony in music players (this had to do with Disruptive Innovation). I went to the NYT website and downloaded the article.

• I am using my laptop to type this article using Live Writer, which I will then post to my blog using the same program.

Now, before you react with something like “are you crazy?!” let me highlight the key point. I am using mobile devices connected to a global digital network everywhere I go to get things done and to enhance and enrich my life. I have a seminary’s worth of books in my Logos Bible program. I have an entire library on my iPad for reading. I have a huge music library of beautiful music in my pocket. I can find and read reviews on local restaurants before deciding where to eat. And I was able to speak with AND see my granddaughter even though I am hours away in a hotel.

Some of my readers, perhaps many of them, have no intention or interest in using technology in the ways I describe above. That is okay. They are most likely Analogs. Most people are. All of us fall into one of the consumer segments that Emily Green describes in her book.

What does this have to do with our schools? Plenty! What I just described is how most of our younger parents and our students will conduct their personal and professional lives.

As school leaders we must understand that our younger parents (those born in the mid to late seventies) and certainly our current students and our future parents DO CARE. They will live and work much as I have described above. Mobile computing and connectivity will be a given—it will be woven into their lives. Their expectations are, and will increasingly be, that our classrooms and school-to-home communication reflect the realities of the new Anywhere Global Connectively.

This is a sea change. It is as evitable as the sun rising tomorrow.

Are we preparing our school infrastructures for this change? Are we preparing and training our faculty? Are we preparing our students for the new work world of tomorrow? Are we providing a biblical framework for understanding and using technology for God’s glory? Are we modeling the use of technology for our teachers and other administrators?

This is one of my favorite quotes from the book:

New things are an easy target for those who lack imagination … Years ago, no one understood why e-mail was worthwhile. Now, no one thinks twice about it—but they’re busy talking about why Twitter is stupid. Bob Metcalfe

Let’s put our sanctified imaginations to work—let’s travel to the future and then return to our schools to get ready!

When Times are Difficult Consider Said Musa

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By Dr. Barrett Mosbacker

Leading a school can be a tough business!  I joke with my parents that my job is easy;

I only deal with people’s children, money, and religion!

People can be complainers, inconsiderate, gossips, stubborn, resistant to change, and just downright mean and ornery.   Such people can make our jobs and lives miserable.

Before you and I start feeling sorry for ourselves, consider Said Musa’s situation.  After reading of his plight I believe we will gain a little perspective on our troubles.

Said Musa’s Story

A terrible drama is unfolding in Afghanistan: There are reports that Said Musa, whose

situation I described at Christmas, will soon be executed for the ‘crime’ of choosing to

become a Christian. (For background, see here.)

Musa was one of about 25 Christians arrested on May 31, 2010, after a May 27 Noorin TV

program showed video of a worship service held by indigenous Afghan Christians; he was

arrested as he attempted to seek asylum at the German embassy. He converted to Christianity eight years ago, is the father of six young children, had a leg amputated after he stepped on a landmine while serving in the Afghan Army, and now has a prosthetic leg. His

oldest child is eight and one is disabled (she cannot speak). He worked for the Red Cross/Red Crescent as an adviser to other amputees.

He was forced to appear before a judge without any legal counsel and without knowledge of

the charges against him. “Nobody [wanted to be my] defender before the court. When I said

‘I am a Christian man,’ he [a potential lawyer] immediately spat on me and abused me and

mocked me… . I am alone between 400 [people with] terrible values in the jail, like a sheep.”

He has been beaten, mocked, and subjected to sleep deprivation and sexual abuse while in

prison. No Afghan lawyer will defend him and authorities denied him access to a foreign

lawyer.

Any and every human being who is imprisoned, abused, or tortured for the free and peaceful

expression of their faith deserves our support, but Musa is also a remarkable person and

Christian. In a letter smuggled to the West, he says, “The authority and prisoners in jail did

many bad behavior with me about my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. For example, they did

sexual things with me, beat me by wood, by hands, by legs, put some things on my head.”

He added a thing much more important to him, that they “mocked me ‘he’s Jesus Christ,’

spat on me, nobody let me for sleep night and day… . Please, please, for the sake of Lord

Jesus Christ help me.” (See the full letter here)

He has also stated that he is willing to give his life for his faith. “Please, please you should

transfer me from this jail to a jail that supervises the believers… . I also agree … to sacrifice

my life in public [where] I will tell [about my] faith in Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, [so]

other believers will take courage and be strong in their faith.”

… The Wall Street Journal reports that “Afghan officials have been unapologetic:

The sentence for a convert is death and there is no exception.

said Jamal Khan, chief of staff at the Ministry of Justice.

They must be sentenced to death to serve as a lesson for others.

Here is Said Musa’s handwritten letter (click on the image to see a larger version).

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Our Response:

• Let’s pray consistently for Said Musa and other persecuted Christians.

• Tell these stories to our students so that they understand the price that many Christians are called to pay to follow Jesus—a price that we and they may be called upon to pay as well.

• Use this story in Bible classes, chapels, and staff devotions as an antidote to the false prosperity “gospel.”

• Our struggles are real and they hurt but keep them in perspective.  Said Musa lost a leg, has a disabled daughter, has been imprisoned, beaten, humiliated, spat upon, and abused.  He will likely be executed for being a Christian.  There is no hint of blaming God, claiming God is unfair, etc.  Instead, he is willing to die publically to be a witness for Jesus.  I don’t know about you, but my meager struggles pale in comparison—in fact there is NO comparison.

• Let us learn to suffer hardship, of whatever sort, for the sake of serving Christ and his kingdom in and through our schools.  May God grant us the grace to joyfully endure hardship and to be counted worthy to suffer for his sake.  May we mirror Said’s commitment to Christ before our students and parents.

Does Success Spoil or Sanctify Our Students?

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By Dr. Barrett Mosbacker

By most measures you and I are "successful." We live in a land of freedom and opportunity. Notwithstanding any financial stresses in our lives, we have shelter, clothing, and food. We have family and friends. Most of us are in good health. Compared to most people in this world, you and I are very "successful." We live in relative ease. So do our children!

And therein lies one of our greatest dangers. We and our children are easily spoiled. Success and ease tend to make us self-absorbed, self-sufficient, self-righteous, and self-seeking.

• We come to believe that "we are owed a life of success and ease."

• We and our children come to believe that "life is about us."

• We come to believe that "we produced our success."

We become autonomous, thinking that we do not really need God. We may not say we don't need him but the way we live?a weak prayer life, a weak devotional life, inconsistent worship on the Lord's Day, and the constant compromises we make in disobeying God's clear commands?all reflect what we really believe.

This is the danger facing Israel. They have won great victories and are now preparing to settle down in peace and prosperity. The danger is that their success will spoil rather than sanctify them.

There is a wonderful passage in Joshua following the wars in Canaan. The Israelis have just conquered their enemies and are preparing to settle in the new land flowing with milk and honey. They have been successful and are now preparing to enjoy the fruit of their labor. Matthew Henry describes the scene this way, "The war being ended, and ended gloriously, Joshua, as a prudent general, disbands his army ... and sends them home, to enjoy what they had conquered, and to beat their swords into plough-shares and their spears into pruning-hooks ... And, now ... Joshua publicly and solemnly ... gives them their discharge."

Only be very careful to observe the commandment and the law that Moses the servant of the LORD commanded you, to love the LORD your God, and towalk in all his ways and to keep his commandments and to cling to him and to serve himwith all your heart and with all your soul." (Josh.: 22:5)

Although these are somewhat synonymous for the purpose of emphasis, there is value in considering the particular meaning of each verb: Observe, Love, Walk, Keep, Cling, and Serve.

To Observe

To notice, watch attentively, fulfill and comply with. We are to spend time knowing, understanding, and complying with God's word. How is your Bible study? How is your attendance at worship?

To Love

: to have a great interest and pleasure in something. This exhortation is the essence of the "first and greatest commandment," to love God passionately, with every fiber of one's being (Deut. 6:5; Matt 22:37-38). The primary purpose and chief end of our existence is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever, to take pleasure in God.

Do you enjoy God? Are you more passionate about God or something/someone else?

To Walk

Walking means to order the whole of one's life by God's word and to be filled with his Spirit. When we rise up, walk through the day, and lie down at night, in ALL his ways?even those that are narrow and up-hill, in every particular instance?God's word is to be our compass.

You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. (Deut. 6:7-9)

Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be likea foolish man who built his house on the sand.And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it." (Matt. 7:24-27)

To Keep

To honor or fulfill, to observe or pay due regard to God's commands. There is no "BUT" in the believer's response to God's commands! Believers are never to say, "I would obey but....." If we love God, we keep his word.

If you love me, you willkeep my commandments.And I will ask the Father, and he will give you anotherHelper, to be with you forever,eventhe Spirit of truth,whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him ... Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves mewill be loved by my Father, and I will love him andmanifest myself to him. (Jn.: 14:15ff)

To Cling

To hold tightly to, to be hard to remove from; to adhere to someone, to remain persistently faithful to God and his word. We cling both out of love and need. He is our life! He is our life and our treasure?we grasp him tightly!

"I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." (Jn. 10:10)

To Serve

Life is NOT ABOUT US. Life is about loving and serving God; life is about serving his kingdom.

Share in suffering asa good soldier of Christ Jesus.No soldiergets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him.An athlete is notcrowned unless he competes according to the rules.It isthe hard-working farmer who ought to have the first share of the crops.Think over what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in everything. Remember Jesus Christ,risen from the dead, theoffspring of David,as preached in my gospel,for which I am suffering, bound with chains as a criminal. Butthe word of God is not bound!ThereforeI endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they also may obtainthe salvation that is in Christ Jesus witheternal glory.The saying istrustworthy, for: If we have died with him, we will alsolive with him;if we endure, we will also reign with him; if we deny him, he also will deny us;if we are faithless, he remains faithful forhe cannot deny himself. (1 Cor. 9:10)

Our success in this life will either spoil us and our children or it will motivate us to show our gratitude by renewing our commitment to Observe, Love, Walk, Keep, Cling, and Serve!

Some of Us Have Been Talking…

Dr. Marni Halvorson (Head of School, Covenant Day School)

Dear Christian school parent,

When something occurs that we h ave questions about, it’s not uncommon to ask others their impression or understanding. This happens frequently in connection to situations or circumstances at our Christian school. Perhaps a teacher gives an assignment to students that is unclear to a parent, or a child relays comments made in the classroom that are unsettling. A parent may turn to other parents in the carpool line for their assessment of the situation rather than going directly to the teacher. At times this fact finding clears confusion and it is back to business as usual. Other times, however, the communication begins to take on a different perspective. Second hand information can slip into idle talk or rumor; that is, we have become involved in gossip. This is true not only of parents and the carpool line; there are occasions when a teacher standing at the photocopier may ask another teacher a question that really is best directed back to a parent instead.

Words have tremendous power! They can be used for building up or for tearing down. In The Purpose Driven Life, author Rick Warren writes, “Refuse to listen to gossip. Gossip is passing on information when you are neither part of the problem nor part of the solution” (164). Note that gossip is not defined as untrue information; rather information that we are not to pass along because we are not directly involved as the source of the matter nor as the resolution thereof. What begins as perhaps an off-hand remark can morph into a communication that ultimately is highly inflammatory.

Jerry Bridges, in his book Respectable Sins, makes the point that the Bible is filled with warnings about the sins of the tongue, including gossip (159). Sin is sin, and even sins of the tongue are offensive to God. Unfavorable information can be extremely damaging. Often in the telling and re-telling, a communication “grows” details or the story gets twisted and distorted. We Christians are called to a higher standard. Scripture clearly warns us in Prov. 20:19, “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much.” Prov. 26:20 adds, “Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.”

We want our Christian school to be a place where gossip finds no welcome. Our faculty and staff are working to be conscientious about not spreading gossip. We have challenged ourselves to be accountable in this area. We do not want to be the source of the problem through our own words; we do not want to be the subject of someone else’s idle talk or rumor; we want to avoid being caught up as listeners.

We know that it can be awkward to find yourself near the front end of what is quickly revealing itself to be gossip. It takes spiritual sensitivity and boldness to say, “Please stop. I don’t need to hear this. Have you spoken directly to that person?” It may be uncomfortable for most of us to make such a direct request. But we want to use the gift of language in the manner God intended, to encourage and edify. Eph. 4:29 boldly directs us: “Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

If you agree that we have taken on a worthy challenge, would you join us in replacing gossip with Godly conversation? We commit to doing our best to assure that you have clear and open channels to teachers, administrators and coaches so that you will have timely and accurate information, especially as it relates specifically to your son or daughter. We also commit to assuring you that your communications with us are handled with respect and confidentiality.

May God be pleased with our communications as well as our motives and actions; and may He be honored as we give grace to everyone who hears us speak.

Does Your Waiter Follow These Rules? What Rules Would You Write for Serving Your Parents?

October 2009

100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do

NYTimes, Bruce Buschel

Dr. Barrett Mosbacker, PublisherI found the following list of “rules” fascinating for several reasons: 1) It gives me a glimpse into the restaurant customer service world, 2) I found many (not all) of the rules outlined to be consistent with biblical principles of courtesy, and 3) it got me to thinking, “what would my list look like if I wrote one for Christian  teachers and administrators serving students and parents?” 

Here is an opportunity to share with our readers.  Read through the list below.  Then go to The Christian School Journal blog Facebook page, click “Discussions” and under the topic “100 Things Christian School Employees Should Never Do” post the items that you would include in a list of “100 Things Christian School Employees Should Never Do.”  Alternatively, you can post your list with the comment feature (left menu of this article).

If there are 100 for restaurant service staff, surely there are 100 for serving our parents.  After all, they are paying customers of the educational services we provide. 

Like the list below, keep each item simple and straight forward, including a touch of humor where appropriate. 

I will compile the suggestions and post them in a subsequent article.  Perhaps we can compile a list that will be of help to Christian schools and the parents they serve. 

100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do

1. Do not let anyone enter the restaurant without a warm greeting.
2. Do not make a singleton feel bad. Do not say, “Are you waiting for someone?” Ask for a reservation. Ask if he or she would like to sit at the bar.
3. Never refuse to seat three guests because a fourth has not yet arrived.
4. If a table is not ready within a reasonable length of time, offer a free drink and/or amuse-bouche. The guests may be tired and hungry and thirsty, and they did everything right.
5. Tables should be level without anyone asking. Fix it before guests are seated.
6. Do not lead the witness with, “Bottled water or just tap?” Both are fine. Remain neutral.
7. Do not announce your name. No jokes, no flirting, no cuteness.
8. Do not interrupt a conversation. For any reason. Especially not to recite specials. Wait for the right moment.
9. Do not recite the specials too fast or robotically or dramatically. It is not a soliloquy. This is not an audition.
10. Do not inject your personal favorites when explaining the specials.
11. Do not hustle the lobsters. That is, do not say, “We only have two lobsters left.” Even if there are only two lobsters left.
12. Do not touch the rim of a water glass. Or any other glass.
13. Handle wine glasses by their stems and silverware by the handles.
14. When you ask, “How’s everything?” or “How was the meal?” listen to the answer and fix whatever is not right.
15. Never say “I don’t know” to any question without following with, “I’ll find out.”
16. If someone requests more sauce or gravy or cheese, bring a side dish of same. No pouring. Let them help themselves.
17. Do not take an empty plate from one guest while others are still eating the same course. Wait, wait, wait.
18. Know before approaching a table who has ordered what. Do not ask, “Who’s having the shrimp?”
19. Offer guests butter and/or olive oil with their bread.
20. Never refuse to substitute one vegetable for another.
21. Never serve anything that looks creepy or runny or wrong.
22. If someone is unsure about a wine choice, help him. That might mean sending someone else to the table or offering a taste or two.
23. If someone likes a wine, steam the label off the bottle and give it to the guest with the bill. It has the year, the vintner, the importer, etc.
24. Never use the same glass for a second drink.
25. Make sure the glasses are clean. Inspect them before placing them on the table.
26. Never assume people want their white wine in an ice bucket. Inquire.
27. For red wine, ask if the guests want to pour their own or prefer the waiter to pour.
28. Do not put your hands all over the spout of a wine bottle while removing the cork.
29. Do not pop a champagne cork. Remove it quietly, gracefully. The less noise the better.
30. Never let the wine bottle touch the glass into which you are pouring. No one wants to drink the dust or dirt from the bottle.
31. Never remove a plate full of food without asking what went wrong. Obviously, something went wrong.
32. Never touch a customer. No excuses. Do not do it. Do not brush them, move them, wipe them or dust them.
33. Do not bang into chairs or tables when passing by.
34. Do not have a personal conversation with another server within earshot of customers.
35. Do not eat or drink in plain view of guests.
36. Never reek from perfume or cigarettes. People want to smell the food and beverage.
37. Do not drink alcohol on the job, even if invited by the guests. “Not when I’m on duty” will suffice.
38.Do not call a guy a “dude.”
39. Do not call a woman “lady.”
40. Never say, “Good choice,” implying that other choices are bad.
41. Saying, “No problem” is a problem. It has a tone of insincerity or sarcasm. “My pleasure” or “You’re welcome” will do.    
42. Do not compliment a guest’s attire or hairdo or makeup. You are insulting someone else.
43. Never mention what your favorite dessert is. It’s irrelevant.
44. Do not discuss your own eating habits, be you vegan or lactose intolerant or diabetic.
45. Do not curse, no matter how young or hip the guests.
46. Never acknowledge any one guest over and above any other. All guests are equal.
47. Do not gossip about co-workers or guests within earshot of guests.
48. Do not ask what someone is eating or drinking when they ask for more; remember or consult the order.
49. Never mention the tip, unless asked.
50. Do not turn on the charm when it’s tip time. Be consistent throughout.

51. If there is a service charge, alert your guests when you present the bill. It’s not a secret or a trick.

52. Know your menu inside and out. If you serve Balsam Farm candy-striped beets, know something about Balsam Farm and candy-striped beets.

53. Do not let guests double-order unintentionally; remind the guest who orders ratatouille that zucchini comes with the entree.

54. If there is a prix fixe, let guests know about it. Do not force anyone to ask for the “special” menu.

55. Do not serve an amuse-bouche without detailing the ingredients. Allergies are a serious matter; peanut oil can kill. (This would also be a good time to ask if anyone has any allergies.)

56. Do not ignore a table because it is not your table. Stop, look, listen, lend a hand. (Whether tips are pooled or not.)

57. Bring the pepper mill with the appetizer. Do not make people wait or beg for a condiment.

58. Do not bring judgment with the ketchup. Or mustard. Or hot sauce. Or whatever condiment is requested.

59. Do not leave place settings that are not being used.

60. Bring all the appetizers at the same time, or do not bring the appetizers. Same with entrees and desserts.

61. Do not stand behind someone who is ordering. Make eye contact. Thank him or her.

62. Do not fill the water glass every two minutes, or after each sip. You’ll make people nervous.

62(a). Do not let a glass sit empty for too long.

63. Never blame the chef or the busboy or the hostess or the weather for anything that goes wrong. Just make it right.

64. Specials, spoken and printed, should always have prices.

65. Always remove used silverware and replace it with new.

66. Do not return to the guest anything that falls on the floor — be it napkin, spoon, menu or soy sauce.

67. Never stack the plates on the table. They make a racket. Shhhhhh.

68. Do not reach across one guest to serve another.

69. If a guest is having trouble making a decision, help out. If someone wants to know your life story, keep it short. If someone wants to meet the chef, make an effort.

70. Never deliver a hot plate without warning the guest. And never ask a guest to pass along that hot plate.

71. Do not race around the dining room as if there is a fire in the kitchen or a medical emergency. (Unless there is a fire in the kitchen or a medical emergency.)

72. Do not serve salad on a freezing cold plate; it usually advertises the fact that it has not been freshly prepared.

73. Do not bring soup without a spoon. Few things are more frustrating than a bowl of hot soup with no spoon.

74. Let the guests know the restaurant is out of something before the guests read the menu and order the missing dish.

75. Do not ask if someone is finished when others are still eating that course.

76. Do not ask if a guest is finished the very second the guest is finished. Let guests digest, savor, reflect.

77. Do not disappear.

78. Do not ask, “Are you still working on that?” Dining is not work — until questions like this are asked.

79. When someone orders a drink “straight up,” determine if he wants it “neat” — right out of the bottle — or chilled. Up is up, but “straight up” is debatable.

80. Never insist that a guest settle up at the bar before sitting down; transfer the tab.

81. Know what the bar has in stock before each meal.

82. If you drip or spill something, clean it up, replace it, offer to pay for whatever damage you may have caused. Refrain from touching the wet spots on the guest.

83. Ask if your guest wants his coffee with dessert or after. Same with an after-dinner drink.

84. Do not refill a coffee cup compulsively. Ask if the guest desires a refill.

84(a). Do not let an empty coffee cup sit too long before asking if a refill is desired.

85. Never bring a check until someone asks for it. Then give it to the person who asked for it.

86. If a few people signal for the check, find a neutral place on the table to leave it.

87. Do not stop your excellent service after the check is presented or paid.

88. Do not ask if a guest needs change. Just bring the change.

89. Never patronize a guest who has a complaint or suggestion; listen, take it seriously, address it.

90. If someone is getting agitated or effusive on a cellphone, politely suggest he keep it down or move away from other guests.

91. If someone complains about the music, do something about it, without upsetting the ambiance. (The music is not for the staff — it’s for the customers.)

92. Never play a radio station with commercials or news or talking of any kind.

93. Do not play brass — no brassy Broadway songs, brass bands, marching bands, or big bands that feature brass, except a muted flugelhorn.

94. Do not play an entire CD of any artist. If someone doesn’t like Frightened Rabbit or Michael Bublé, you have just ruined a meal.

95. Never hover long enough to make people feel they are being watched or hurried, especially when they are figuring out the tip or signing for the check.

96. Do not say anything after a tip — be it good, bad, indifferent — except, “Thank you very much.”

97. If a guest goes gaga over a particular dish, get the recipe for him or her.

98. Do not wear too much makeup or jewelry. You know you have too much jewelry when it jingles and/or draws comments.

99. Do not show frustration. Your only mission is to serve. Be patient. It is not easy.

100. Guests, like servers, come in all packages. Show a “good table” your appreciation with a free glass of port, a plate of biscotti or something else management approves.